Looking for Mr. Right? You're Missing the Point, Missy
John Shore
Writer, Editor, Author

Lately single women have been asking me, "John, what do guys want? I'm a pretty, intelligent, goodhearted girl who has a lot to offer any man. But all the men I know or meet invariably end up having some sort of congenital aversion to anything even vaguely resembling longterm emotional commitment---to settling down, getting serious, getting married. Why is that? I'm a fun, sweet person. I make my own money. I have lots of rewarding relationships in my life; I know how to be in a good relationship. I'm a mature, grownup person. And I'd like to get married someday. Doesn't everyone? Don't guys? Isn't that the whole point---finding that special someone, falling in love, getting married, settling down, having children, growing old together? Isn't all that, like, the Grand Prize of life? Then why is it that if a girl on a date so much as scratches an itch on her ring finger, the guy she's with acts like she's sprayed him with mace? Who do these men think they're going to get involved with, if not one of the women they actually meet?  What is it that men want? What in the world are they looking for? Do they even know?"

When women ask me this, I usually answer with, "Do I know you? Anyway, great speech. Tough questions! Well, this is my stop. Good-bye---and good luck!"

But that's not helping anyone. So the next time a woman poses me this puzzler, I'm going to stay on the bus until I've given her my real answer, which is this:

"Men find unappealing in women the same thing women find unappealing in men: Need. People are not attracted to the emotionally needy. (Actually, there are lots of men out there who are attracted to emotionally needy women, but such men---men who seek out women over whom they can exercise power---are dangerous creeps from whom all women should flee.) The fact that you're registering that whatever man you're with is resisting a serious relationship means you're definitely sending that man messages that you do want to be in a serious relationship. That's not good. You might as well hang a sign around your neck that says, 'Desperate! Please Help! At Least Compliment My Hair!'

"You can't live your life waiting for a man to rescue you. Wanting a man to make your life whole is the one thing guaranteed to keep men from you. Because what wanting a man to make your life better means is that you, alone, aren't good enough for you. It means that you find yourself inadequate. It really means---or really signals---that you don't like you. And if you don't like you, why should anyone else? No one knows you better than you do, right? You're the expert on you. If you're not satisfied hanging out with you, why would anyone else think they might be?

"There's only one way to find Mr. Right, and that's to stop looking for him. Looking for Mr. Right can only mean that you think you're Miss Wrong, or Miss Not Quite Good Enough. You're Miss Ing Something. Forget that. Stop worrying about meeting Mr. Right. Instead, start thinking of yourself as Miss Perfectly Okay By Herself. (Isn't it interesting that we use the same word to indicate an unmarried woman as we do 'failure to obtain'? If unmarried women are called 'Miss,' then unmarried men should be called something like 'Flop,' or 'Err.' So, for instance, if single, I would be Err Shore. Which is a lot like the German 'Herr Shore.' Hmm. Perhaps this explains World War II.)

If you really want to find Mr. Right, stop looking for him. Stop, in other words, waiting for someone to give you a life. Get your own life! Prove to the world, and to yourself, that you don't need anyone to make you someone.

Life is one big paradox. And one of its biggest is that the only way to find Mr. Right is to genuinely and truly stop looking for him. Live your life. Get happy. Listen to God. That'll keep you busy enough for this life, and beyond.





Who knew it was so easy!  Hope this speaks to you.  Blessings to you Sisters.

I used to have a single friend that told me, "I like talking to you because you are happy, you aren't needy". he went on to say that men do not want a needy woman, they are attracted to some one that is happy with themselves.

Wow, that is a great article indeed..so much to learn from.
I enjoyed it very much even though it is not first time for me to read or hear about it.
Being needy and need a man/ woman in your life, are two different things.
We all need our men and men need us, but that is placed in us form God the creator.
Being needy means being dependent, desperate, incomplete...can't live without another person in your life.
We should find our worth in Jesus...be happy with who we are in Him who makes our life rich in love, peace and joy. He is the One that completes us and makes whole..transformes us from being needy and a consumers mentality, into people who have a lot to give and share with others and deffinitely with our spouse.
When we have been complete in Him we are not afraid to say that we are ready for marriage.
Also when we think "marriage' we think coming into a union as a complete person, willing to lay down our lives for eachother, not thinking of me, me, me.
In order to find the right person you need to be the right person.
That is what I am allowing God to work in me...making me the right woman, for the right man

Blessings
Bride

The Bible says a prudent wife is from the Lord...so I want to read the Bible and get wisdom and prudence, so God will give me away to a godly man soon!

LOL

 

PrettyLady

I can't say that with authority, but it seems intuitively likely to be true!  It's almost a cliche in humor ... a girl hints at marriage, and the guy is gone with the door left spinning in his wake.

That typical cliche is not a very Christian outlook on the part of either, I would say. The Christian woman should not be in such a hurry as to accept a man that may not be who God has for her and should trust in God and wait on Him instead. And the Christian man should not be afraid to commit when he finds the woman that God has for him, if he trusts God.

Grace and peace,
trishanna

An odd paradox I experience:

When a guy perceives me as capable, confident, composed, he then is attracted to me like a fly to flypaper. Dont ask me why, but it happens like clockwork - I get more dates the healthier I become - BUT - it doesnt mean you attract healthy men; the men I actually DATE are way less than the #s that are interested.

I always "have a date" but its The Hub (Gods Man!) that I'm missing LOL!

Wonder if my future Hub has the same problem? - Attracts many women but doesnt find The One he wants to date or get serious with...

Opposite thing also occurs:
Years ago when I was very depressed, needy, clingy, codependent, always had to define my world with a "guy" or "Boyfriend", I had very few actual dates but tended to stay in long-term relationships - but with unhealthy guys, far longer than good sense tells yah to stay as I wasnt havin it then.

So, my experience kinda supports what the post says - if ur clingy or needy relationally, u tend to scare men away from urself faster.

When ur confident, transparent, capable-not-clingey etc. u tend to attract far more interest from guys. I dunno why it works like this but I realize it does.

Then: had codependent clingy boyfriends but few healthy dates.

Now: have plenty o dates but few Healthy or Relationally Functional I'd choose as Boyfriend, Courting or even Husband-material.

I hear The Spirit now instead of relating from codependency's voice (ugh).

Quality of Spirituality increases as you grow in Him.
Quality of Love should grow as well since Love is a Fruitful Function of ur Maturity in Christ.

~SweetHonesty7~

I used to be able to understand and agree with the idea that being desperate/needy drove guys off.  I had a lot of unhealed areas in my heart and never had a date.  I tried to learn how to be easy going and approachable like other women I saw, but guys didn't respond to me the way they responded to the other women.  I always attributed it to my hurts, which they must be able to see somehow, but I promised myself that when I had healed things would be different; I would be different and present myself differently.

I have gone through a lot of hard work over the years to get myself healthy, whole and happy with who I am.  I am a beautiful, capable and multi-talented woman.  I am content being my own fabulous self.  This does not mean I'm okay being single.  I would still like to be married, have a family and all that stuff.  I have too much to offer to stay single.

But, now that I'm my own fabulous self, I find men running for cover.  They find me interesting and make contact, enjoy my company and then realize that I'm funny, talented, capable, wise and a strong Christian.  I have actually had men tell me that I'm intimidating.  I certainly don't intend to come off as intimidating and in fact work very hard to keep the expanse of my abilities under wraps for as long as possible, but little by little as they learn of all the things I know and am able to do, they start to feel overwhelmed and bolt.  I have been told by men that I obviously don't need a man (because I can fix my own car), that I'm too smart (because I come from a family that uses big words) and too "holy" (because I value my relationship with Christ above everything).

Apparently being a strong and confident woman is a drawback because now I can catch a man's interest but can't keep it because of what I thought were supposed to be attributes.  My brother found the confidence to marry a woman taller than him because someone told him that it made him look brave.  He was able to turn his male pride to his advantage by giving up his need to be taller and gained a fabulous and amazing wife.  Aren't there any other men like that - who can see the advantages of being with a strong and confident woman?

Also, I have come to realize that when a guy doesn't follow through with the chatting thing or writing or calling or whatever he's indicated an interest in doing, that the Lord has just stood in front of me and taken a bullet for me.  I praise Him for those times.

That's a great way to put it, Cynthia!